Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
