Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
