And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
