it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
