I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
