im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
