If i come over, it means nothing
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
