somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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