on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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