i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
