yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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