so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
