I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
