Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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