There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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