Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
