Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
