yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
