Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
