Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
