Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
