4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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