nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
