Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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