There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
