he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
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