Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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