If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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