I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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