shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
