whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
