I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
