Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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