Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
