does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
