So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
