Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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