If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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