She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
