he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
