I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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