Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
