This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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