Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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