Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
