BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
