Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
