I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
