There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
