Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
